Blog 101!

This is my one-hundred-and-first blog! Whoo hooo!

I’ve posted 101 blogs. I have posted far more than that, I used to have a blog up on the evil and highly over-rated Myspace. But I left Myspace for this space, and have been publishing blogs here ever since.

I enjoy writing these things, sort of like therapy but only cheaper. Actually, if I didn’t write these things, I’d probably go postal and kill many, many sad souls.

So, be thankful I put finger to keyboard, instead of to throat. . .

How do you celebrate the one-hundred-and-first-blog?

I could write some highly academic-sounding thesis on blog writing – being a professional writer, I suppose I’m more than qualified.

But I don’t want to bore my many readers – yes – you know who you are – all five of you! (Actually, there is more than five – I just can’t count that high.)

I know! Just as on television when the writers run out of ideas and do a retrospective flash-back episode . . .

Naw – that’s sad and pathetic.

But hey! It’s my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want. So, ahem – run tape.

Here’s a look at some of my favorite bits and pieces from some of my favorite blogs – from here and other previous venues.

It is said that facial hair is like a mask and allows the wearer of said mask to hide behind it. Beards, mustaches, goatees and the like are nature’s way of a cover-up – for more than just the skin behind.

Albert Einstein had a mustache, so too did Alexander Graham Bell. We’d be in the throws of the dark ages today, if it wasn’t for these furry-faced men. U.S President Lincoln also had a bit of hair on his face, though he was assonated. Damn.
I guess if I want to be something in this world I’d best keep clean shaven. Especially if I want to take over the world or something. Wait a sec. . . maybe in that case I should grow a beard, to hide behind!

From my “Facial Hair and Other Barriers to World Domination” blog originally published on my now defunct Myspace November 7, 2006.

Elvis isn’t dead, he’s hammering out a new ad campaign for Burger King on the second floor. You just think Elvis is dead because we told you he was.

You can control your thoughts. However, we’ve made it too easy for you to just flip into “autopilot” and let us and our cookie-cutter creative copy invade your mind, and tell you how the world is.

In our invented world, weekends are like beer commercials – complete with bodacious babes in skimpy outfits, and buff boys in boxers partying like there is no tomorrow. Mornings are always easy, thanks to breakfast in a can, pop-tarts, or can’t get enough of my Sugar Crisps. Work is always fun, thanks to the funky delivery guy from Brown’s because when it absolutely positively has to get there on time, we deliver the world on time.
From “Creating Your Thoughts” originally published on my old Myspace blog on July 30, 2006.


I knew things were off to a bad start when the person I was supposed to meet wasn’t even in the office during the time when we were scheduled to meet. “Maybe he’s still at lunch,” said the receptionist.

I said I could wait a bit, but that I had other meetings to get to later in the day.

Eventually this bozo shows up, about 10-minutes late. He’s lucky – he came within my fifteen-minute rule. I have a rule I use when meeting clients, friends, pretty much anyone. If you are late, fine, happens to all of us. I’ll wait fifteen-minutes, and if you’re still a no-show, I’m outta there. Gone, quick as lightening.
From “Test This” originally published on my old Myspace blog on September 19, 2006.

Why is it whenever I have to work with women in senior executive positions, they always try to act like men?

I know the world of work used to be – past tense – used to be dominated by men. But these days – hell since the 1980’s even – women and men work equally well together in business and commerce.

Still, whenever I have to meet with a woman CEO, she puts on a defiant posture, and is evasive and abusive towards me and the other men in the room. This isn’t really acting like a man, because if men CEOs did this in business, there wouldn’t be any business at all.
From “Women in a Man’s World” originally published February 10, 2006.

Tonight, the sky is covered in a murky thick fog.

I went out on my balcony, because the fog was so thick. I have never seen it quite this thick. It has been thick before, but not like this.

Then it occurred to me, hey, I’m standing in the fog. I really am. I can feel the droplets of water making up the clouds swimming around me. I can see the fog all around me. It was as if I was floating on a cloud – aside from my concrete balcony below.
From “I’m Standing in Fog” originally published November 13, 2006.

A car had crashed into the guardrail on the highway below and we were watching all the action unfold – from the safety of my lofty high-rise apartment’s windows.

It always amazes me how we human beings so easily become distracted by another person’s tragedy.

Rubbernecking – a term coined by cops, about drivers that slow down at accident scenes to see what all the fuss is about – isn’t all that uncommon. There is a rubbernecking law in Ontario, which allows cops to ticket anyone holding up traffic by slowing down too long to look at an accident.

Still, why the fascination with these acts of destruction, human suffering and potential carnage?

I have digital cable – literally over 500-channels – yet I’ve spent countless hours watching accidents on the roads below out my windows.

Why?

I think it is pure and simple fascination with the gross and disturbing. We all have it in us – it is part of being human. It’s why some of us find those medical shows, where they actually videotape an operation so intriguing. It’s what made daytime television trash tabloid shows like Jerry Springer popular. It’s why reality television shows like COPS, Cheaters, Survivor, The Bachelor and similar shows are mega-hits. It’s why we no longer cringe when we see war-torn countries on the news.
From “Carnage! And Other Distractions of the Soul” originally published January 29, 2007.

The other day at the gym, I heard someone singing in the shower. Now, singing in the shower is fine – if you are alone at home. But subjecting others to your off-key rendition of something that sounds like – well uh er – it didn’t sound like anything to be frank – is wrong, wrong, wrong.

I can’t sing – anyone who knows me well enough knows that. I may hum in the shower occasionally, but only if it is my shower at home – not the one at the gym. I won’t even do karaoke – unless heavily under the influence of several drinks.
From “Workout Songs” January 31, 2007.

Hey, I grew up in the best decade.

My decade was when Michael Jackson and Maddona were not only big mega stars, but they were also relatively ‘normal.’ This was before Michael Jackson went from black man to some manila colored alien-like creature. Back before Maddona exposed herself and her sexuality on Letterman. Back then, they were only churning out great tunes.

Back in my decade, off-the-shoulder sweaters and showing a little ankle were sexy. These days, women show butt-cleavage – and that’s among the lesser of the skimpy outfits in style these days.

Life was so much simpler back then. Predators online – naw, there was no online, the Internet didn’t exist. Privacy existed, because cell phones and pagers were only carried by doctors, lawyers and the exceptionally wealthy. These days, kids have cell phones, and most managers carry BlackBerrys around all the time.
From “Alright – I Admit It – I’m a Cheesehead” originally published February 4, 2007.

I never thought too much when the government regulated that the aboriginal television station be mandated to basic cable. Yeah, we white men took their land, raped their wives, and gave them smallbox and other diseases. That was long before you, me, our parents and our grandparents were even born.

Big deal.

But the Weather Network affects us all. Weather really does impact our lives daily here in Canada. In the summer we have extreme heat alerts and in the winter extreme cold alerts.

We probably live in the worst place weather-wise, because we go from one extreme to another.

Which is why everyone should have access to the Weather Network – even if you don’t have digital cable.
From “Where Did the Weather Network Go?” originally published February 10, 2007.

It still surprises me that so many people – mostly women – are amazed that I cook.

They always tell me how their boyfriends or hubbies never lift a finger in the kitchen, unless it has a fork attached to it.

I always laugh at that – chances are these guys would figure out how to cook pretty quick if they didn’t have their “women” looking out for them. Starvation can prompt even the least likely of chefs to learn rather swiftly.
From “The Joys of Cooking” originally published March 11, 2007.


Mr. T is the prime example of someone who fits the Mohawk look – he probably began the style and made it popular on his hit television show “The A-Team.”

Mr. T looks like your typical tough guy – big, hulking, muscular, and mean. He even talks the slang of the street. He was a pro wrestler, a United States Marine, a body guard to the rich and famous – he’s had a resume which fits someone with a Mohawk.

This guy I saw today with the same hairstyle as Mr. T was in a suit and tie, running shoes, and knapsack. Hardly the tough guy look you’d expect from someone with such a wild hair style. All he needed was the pocket protector and one of those calculator watches and he’d be a definite nerd-wanna-be.
From “Wat You Talkin Bout Sucka” originally published May 1, 2007.

As if these bozos – I seem to use that word a lot in my blogs. Bozos – must be a sad statement on our lack of bozoness in today’s world – but I digress. These BOZOS dared to offend me more, by sprawling out on the benches in the steam room sans clothes.

One actually lied on his back, with his petty pecker sticking up in the wind.

Just the thing I want to see after a long hard day at the office!

I come to the gym to unwind, relax, and be fit. Not to see some other guy steaming his balls.
From “Nakeed Noooo!” originally published May 24, 2007).