Monday, December 31, 2007

A New Year -- Again

Every year we do the New Year’s Eve Dance once again. People contemplate the year that was, and make predictions for the coming year.

We take time to reflect, to question and most importantly to drink large quantities of alcohol as we make resolutions of things we must do in the New Year.

I don’t make resolutions, I find it impossible to keep them. And making life decisions while under the influence of booze isn’t recommended by nine out of ten doctors – the tenth doctor was too drunk to reasonably trust.

So, instead of resolutions, here are some predictions for the year to come.

I predict we’ll hear more than we really want from washed up teen starlets, with little to no talent. Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and their counterparts will continue to make headlines in bad ways. Britney’s 16-year-old sister is already expecting a baby – a baby at 16 – sheesh!

We’ll also probably learn more about Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and Nicole Kidman than we really need to know – I bet they are secretly having a love triangle. Wonder who gets to be on top?

Politically, I predict Canada will go to the polls early again, to elect a federal government. We haven’t had a true Prime Minister worthy of the title since Pierre Elliot Trudeau, which has seen the once great institution continue to falter and fail. Maybe this time we’ll actually have someone worthy of leading us as a nation run? I doubt it. Look for another minority government, as Canadians are given a choice between people more concerned with their political careers, than the good of the nation.

The economy is due for a nose-dive – our dollar has been climbing and the economy has been booming – fast. When things climb fast in the world of money, they usually fall even faster. I bet an economic downturn will hit us hard and fast sometime in 2008 – and it will rival the depression of the dirty thirties. Start collecting your loose change.

North American automakers will continue to suffer as the economy goes from good to worse. They jumped on the customer service band wagon too late, so most now only trust imports. Add to their bad luck, when the economy turns, even those willing to buy a North American built car, won’t have the cash. Look for GM to gobble up Chrysler, and then GM/Chrysler to be bought out by some Japanese automaker.

Weather-wise, we’ll see more severe storms as global warming continues to heat up the planet. More hurricanes, tornadoes, severe thunderstorms, and extra long and cold winters will be the norm from now until the end of time.

China will continue to produce dangerous products which will continue to be recalled. Pet food has recalls have already proven fatal for cats and dogs, just wait until the first human casualty occurs.

The American’s will continue to be the scurvy of the earth, bombing and raiding countries which are weaker than them, but hold vast quantities of oil, natural gas, and other valuable resources. Iraq will continue to be a country in turmoil, and Canadian soldiers will be called upon via the United Nations to help out. Look for more Canadian soldiers to die in 2008.

Technology will continue to impress and improve. High Definition DVDs will win the battle over Blue Ray discs in 2008, and people will finally realize that just because a television station is broadcasting in High Definition, unless the shows it is broadcasting were taped with High Definition cameras, it isn’t going to be in High Def. I am still amazed that people think that re-runs of Gilligan’s Island on some HD channel are HD showings of the classic show.

We’ll see an increase in hybrid cars in 2008, and a new plug-in version of the hybrid, giving them even more distance on a charge. Computers will get faster, hard drives bigger, and televisions larger. Completely useless, but “in” gadgets will dominate 2008. Look for self-cleaning underwear, family BlackBerry packages (why a 12-year-old needs a BlackBerry is beyond me), and remote controlled webcams which allow you to shoot complete movies from your webcam.

Satellite radio will die a slow and painful death in 2008, as people realize that they can get the same thing for a fraction of the cost just by ordering digital cable. Analogue cable will be phased out, so that those refusing to upgrade will be without any television at all, as television will no longer be carried over the airwaves in 2008 – those frequencies will be used by cell phone carriers to increase cell phone capacities on their networks. Rabbit ears will no longer work in 2008 – meaning if you don’t pay for television subscription, you won’t get any.

Speaking of television, reality shows will finally go too far, when they place a bunch of teenagers on a deserted island, and let them fend for themselves. The teenagers become savages, eat each other, rape the animals on the island, and all this is broadcast live, unedited and commercial free for the world to see. After public outcry, the big American networks stop producing reality shows, instead showing us re-runs of Gilligan’s Island in “high def.”

Yeah – hi def. Yeah, right.

Happy New Year!

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